Eve-rything.

My voice is louder than his, and I know, if I keep it up any longer than I already have, all the sinners in hell will gleefully rejoice upon my feet while the godliness of heaven will frown upon me like I am the Saddam Hussein of my time. But... he, the once nice man who gave me chocolate to munch on every Friday for the past 2 years, has turned, went behind my back about 10 minutes or so ago, and ruthlessly stab me in the back. After such humanistic deliberation, I have lost respect for him, which brings all the invisible audience of this great New Year's Eve surprise of such peculiar noise which gracefully overlays the suppose happy festivity.

As loud as my voice can get, I can only hear me--meek, hands shaking out of anguish. The mother who I thought would have stood up for me, sits at her glorious kitchen table, head shaking, agreeing to what this man is wrongfully accusing me of. A complete stranger, she takes his argument. I am wounded now; I thought 5 minutes ago I would be able to save myself from drowning... but because above anything else, her translucent power can weaken me even more, I am struggling to keep my head above water. This New Year's eve has collapsed like the twin tower; if only banging the front door so loud will shaken and awaken all those unsupportive souls that my family upholds, I will do so--thrice even. I am out in the door and I feel like my expected year 2008 is cursed forever. My friends cheer me up but being brought up to the reality of this night, it makes me feel worst knowing my friends are suffering to, with weak knees and some gnarling bellies full of cold, California air... we are walking out in these dangerous streets of nothing but awkward silence amongst us.

We have been quiet for sometime now. The only noise that can be heard are the fireworks indicating buoyancy from far-away celebrations (not where we are, anyway) and the winds whistle as they try to pester our expose skin. I am debating to myself whether to apologize when I already do unconsciously. Nobody replies; just the tick-tock of our steps and the bells ringing from the nearby church which indicates the strike of midnight...of new year. I wish that what this is... what happened tonight will not commence to the future months. Other people can be so superstitious that it tends to affect my security of what the world is all about. I know I will not have terrible nights like this forever. To make sure however (because no one is for certain how life is for anybody), I wish my days will be better than running away from the home life that have constantly troubled me inside.

If there is anyone that's making this night right, is him... who is currently...after all that has happened tonight, making me somewhat happy.

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I feel as if New Year's Eve is ages ago. I feel as if he, who shall remain nameless now, had intruded in my life and left nasty foot marks... about ages ago too. But it haven't been; it has only been 10 months ago that all my of confusements abound my inexperience mind. All the rights and the wrongs only happened this year... and when I thought it was going to be just another of this... it hasn't been. Life as I know started off center stage when he barge into my life unannounced...

And looking back now, I ask myself... "Who would have thought?"

Labels: FICTION/non

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To the one I never had,

I would do anything to relive the past. Absolutely, I would go through it from the beginning and feel my heartbeat go a hundred miles an hour. The joy I felt that New Year's Eve and my trembling body out of pain when you've spoken your peace, I had not forgotten all as it still remains in the deepest core of my being. Like a magician, I have tried tricking myself to believe that you were nothing but a presence in my intricate dreams. To my dismay, I can only be able to deceit my concious during my sleep. As sharp as the evidence the photographs provide me, my memory, even though now sits in the bottom of my mind, is of no comparison. I can still depict so vividly the lines in your face, the swirly patterns of your hair, and the soft hands that left invisible marks in my hand. No one can see the mark but I felt seep in through my skin and taken my hand hostage of your touch forever. It is not only your carnal appearance that I remember when I am left alone musing during my day, however. Your smile...the way you say "Stop it!" when I tease you and when you put your arms around me and tell me promising things--all of these still haunt me down. A familiar feeling reoccur midst many of the songs that use to remind me of you. I often turn off the radio not because I do not want to be reminded but because its painful to know it is not possible to relive any of it, again.

When you have finally spoken the verdict to our hopeless situation, I felt betrayed--of you and myself. I have secretly acquired high hopes for the two of us and although, not as sudden as it would have been, I thought things would have been directed to the right instead of the left. My heart throbbed not out of delight anymore but earth shattering annoyance. I've wanted to slap your indifferent disposition and paste a sad smile and paper tear drops to your face. Of course, I could not...I did not. Regardless how my inner bitch was surfacing, I was still weaked to my knees, spine, jellied like always, secretly hoping that someday we will be meant for each other. Unconciously, I've waited for things to turn out the way they should have been. Yet my concious demonstrated a different persona, my super alter-ego and the yearnings of a wet, cold soul wanting to be accepted by you, overnight.

And so here I am, I sit here with the sound of the faucet dripping in the background (like the slurs of the television when disconnected), hopelessly reaching for the past: the good along with the not-so-good. I shake my head along with the mocking laughter I've always heard from you the course of our "relationship" because we all know the past has moved away with you, 60 miles from here, where is that?

Societal, mainstream views tell me its not fair (and stupidity is not charming) I still yearn for the being I met months ago. You've moved on (from what I've heard), you even move out and away yet I want to tell you I still care whether you eat or not, whether if you have heater/airconditioner in your new place...whether if everything is alright.

Although now, the past is the past, I thought you should know my feelings were true for you. Its not me babe, its all on you.



Photo Credit: Nostalgic Photography (moi).

Labels: "love", feelings, FICTION/non, heartbreak

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