The music industry is filled with gloomy songs about heartbreak, rejection, pain, misery and loss. Songs like Goodbye by the Air Supply are everywhere: in the radio, online, your neighbor's boombox, in Hot Topic... and deep down within you is an overplayed song ready to be sung. The sadness reverberates through your soul and pursues like a dark cloud ready to pour heavy rain (with thunders and lightnings to match) in your parade. Ironically, when someone is in a state of healing, a person finds it easy to relate to the world, as it is in fact, a melancholic place itself. And suddenly, one discovers a sense of company from Motion City Soundtrack and the screaming renditions of Mr. Dashboard Confessional despite of hating the depressing tunes in the first place. After a while of head bangs and sing-a-longs, globe of tears abruptly drop in against your serene face and there, emerges an upside down smile, making you feel miserable once more. Negative energy over rules your body and triggers a twisted mindset. You are clueless on what to do as if your emotions have poisoned the central part of your brain with the thoughts of whom ever he may be. The brain goes numb and you find yourself imagining all the slides of past memories in front of you. A bitter smile is all you can offer and when you go on further, you wish the past is now and the present is yet to come. After witnessing possibly a lifetime of memories with the person you once cherished, you realize that there are not any yellow time machines to help you voyage back into the past. Oh how you wish to re-do all your mistakes--and how we all desire to accomplish the same.
But my friend! All you can do now is to move forward...even if it means letting all these sad music bruise your soul, break your ear drums and then some. You will definitely bleed and hopes will be terribly crushed however:
You’ll be fine tomorrow as the sun will rise again.
Goodbye my old friend, we've reached the end. I'll be missing you and hit it kiddos:
You should know by now that the Orange Line does not provide a 24-hour service. I give you the props of not going all the way to North Hollywood yesterday just because you "felt like crap". I know how you felt, but taking plight every time your head is numb from thinking or you cannot force a tear or two anymore will never be the solution to your problems. You're only exposing yourself of danger and convincing anyone you are a black belter in Karate does not give you prime self-defense. On the up-side though, you managed to cleanse out your contorted mind although they did not come up with something called yoga for nothing. Use it to your advantage and when you feel like everything and everyone's a downer, do not be scared to flex your whole body, balance your mind, and ohmm your way out of stress and frustration. And the Orange line? It will always be there...it is not going anywhere.
Your 18th birthday marks a wonderful life-span for you. You've been through many things the past 18 years but don't forget there will always be other people who have had it better and worst. And that's fine. You don't have to be on top of anyone; you don't have to achieve perfection to out do all humanity. Remind yourself that being you is good enough and you might as well change only for the better. The good part is that, you're still in your teen years: you still have time to change, invent your outlook in life and try out new things. I know you will because I've seen a tremendous amount of change from you since 4 years ago. You must keep discovering all these hidden knacks within you--I believe you are more than a girl-next-door although you cannot always be humble for other people's being. Keep your compassion but never, ever put down yourself and diminish your will to be a human being too.
Keep a spark in all of your passions; if you can't achieve your dreams today, look forward for tomorrow, the next day, and the day after that. Nothing in life is achievable overnight so don't be frustrated when the things you want to happen has gone antsy. That's why you gotta be passionate always and this will help you to achieve if not all, some of the things you've been dreaming your whole life. If there is one thing you can do for yourself is that, don't give up on your dreams and on people. Have patience and learn to sit still and try to enjoy life from a day-to-day basis. You don't want to be 50 someday and realize that you've wasted your whole entire life reflecting only with the scars of the past. Learn to let go of things you cannot change and move on.
As for people who've always been there for you...I can sense a vortex of guilt. Remember to be nice and think things through before stating your point of views--or even just personal comments. This will not only lessen sudden arguements between you and the people you care the most but it also helps you to become a better individual. You are 18 now! Let yourself grow and leave all the negative childish acts behind but it is always better to cling on a child-like outlook. You can grow old but you can still have fun, be happy, and enjoy the small things that many adults now find worthless.
You'll learn that a lot of things in life are temporary so don't get hang up on the small, pesky details that make you gain 20 pounds, wrinkles, and in the end, ugly. Don't let these things affect you permanently as to why, learn to chill out and when it gets rougher, remind yourself all the wonderful moments that made you deliriously happy and the people who care about you even if its not obvious. Thank these people constantly, and more important, thank god for bestowing you life and guiding you through the bright side.
Anyway, don't stop caring for your family, friends, and strangers you might find cute or poorly treated. Don't seek revenge! Keep caring even if it would break your heart someday. And even if it does, remember life goes on and you does too. Take it with a stride and don't get stuck by it. It would be hard to do all these at first but you'll learn as you go on with life.
Quality is more important than quantity. Also, see 1 & 2."
It was a dreadful, depressing, side note provided by my most awkward English Professor from a community college I am now attending. I've been feeling a lot disappointed these days, on top of the usual pity I give myself discredit for, anyway. The way his opinion hit me greatly that Thursday night was (and still is) inexplicable. Ironic perhaps as I have gotten worst remarks from past English Teachers--I don't get why this lame cliche should get the better of me now. But it has as I am yanking my brain just to write this, to get me back into writing, and to continue on dreaming of becoming a creative writer.
Must I blame myself for writing on a 5th grade level on his class? I think not. Although I do blame myself for my irrevocable fate in the English Language. My battle with this dialect was long over-due; the Assessment Center managed to capture me in my very worst scenario, as lo and behold, sentenced me in a 3-year prison of elementary grammar and children's books. The first time I sat behind the Israeli dude who became an eye-candy overnight, I thought ESL was only going to get better. Frustration preceded me at some point last week as the class had me pulling all my wonderful locks and getting me high with a sharpie out of boredom. "I am better than sitting here and listening to someone dispassionate of his job," I thought to myself despite the fact that I needed grammar check badly. I was not to register myself in a creative writing program in UC Riverside with the same dialectal mistakes over again and thus, I decided to stay.
Aside from making damn sure I don't fall asleep and disrespect the most horrid Prof (my first) who, by his obvious actions and ignorant tone of voice, doesn't really want to be there as much as I do, I am also trying to find common grounds with my older classmates. Having to go back to meeting new people again, in my case ,older, way mature individuals, became an educational shock for me. Night classes are not and will never be in my "Fun Things to Try" college list. These people don't only discriminate your point of views (in my world, they have been discriminating mine a long time ago) but also intimidate the living inner child in you. This "common ground" thing have always been hard on me as I personally don't think I could ever find an unshakeyground with the elders. They either find me annoying and talkative or charming and smart--in which I could be all those four traits mentioned.
Absurdly, my ESL class have provided me with yet another lost in translation moments. I noticed recently that I've always been the odd one out: the one who goes to Mexican Bodas by herself, and be in a class of Middle Eastern students and not understanding anything being said. Even though how awkward it might make me feel, I still attend events outside of my peripheral culture and accommodate these people with the universal language: a smile. I smile when I hear sing-song accents in my surroundings, I smile when i smell Arabic scents, and I definitely smile when I can pig out with authentic Mexican food that only my friends parents can cook.
Flatter-ed, or rather disgusted by his extremely forward move, I responded in a disinterested manner and said hello. I completely missed the fact that many people actually get captivated by this "4 letter word" like Dorothy from the movie Jerry Maguire. Although I don't think there was much of a magic when I typed hello and sent it to a very anonymous being who claimed to be from Australia, I was still pissed that "hello" is not the same as "fuck off" and there, started, my first real preaching from a very imbecilic individual looking for a girlfriend on the web.
My luck, indeed. He spotted me pissing off in a Filipino Chat Room (the first in years) and acting like the biggest ass with "Duvira" (cly_de), typing with a very homosexual accents and getting a lot of "boos" and badgers from the seemingly annoyed people. I then recieved a random hi and an "a/s/l pls" note from a guest5678 and as anonymous as it/he/she can be--I couldn't tell. I soon found out he was of the male specie and from Australia, panic (aaaaah!), flatter-ed, (OMG!) and so, I played along thinking he must be hot and had a life after he asked me to be his "girlfriend" right off the bat, that is. Hope bruised, heart stricken, I thought he needed to know the real deal when it comes to online dating--no erased that--online desparation and the consequences that comes with it. After pointing out the obvious "what if's" (ie. what if i'm fat and ugly) and convincing him that long distance relationships don't really work out that well, he was not ready to give up pursuing me--in which case, could have been anyone...a perverted 60 yrs. old guy that produce pornographic materials, a pyscho path killer, or even an automated response instant messaging (to name a few). He stated, in an very hard to understand accented language, that distance nor physical appearance should not be a hinder from finding a woman who would take good care (explanation: slave over him!) and "marrie" him. Bravo! He was a hopeless romantic, just like many guys all over the world who would do anything to get laid. Eventhough "anything" means buying a bride from Asia or being casually careless online.
He was not at all "stupid" as I claim him to be, however. He asked a very obvious question "what's the internet for (anyway)"--meaning what is it for besides trying to get a girlfriend from the worst places possible--chat rooms where, a lot of people pose to be someone else (like what cly_de and I did, out of boredom). Internet has a lot of uses, mind you, Mr. Desperate. The internet contains various news from different famous newspaper websites, job search engines...actual search engines like yahoo, google, ask, blogs to enumerate opinions across and yes, to "meet people" but never, EVER for anything that involves real marriage or love. After stating my very obvious "turn off" opinions, he still, didn't get it and ask away "would you be my girlfriend, pretty pls?" Then, I said, "I'm sure there's a lot of hot girls in Australia", logged off, and kissed the horrid desperation that men like him are showing, goodbye.
Please be very careful online. Don't prey other people you don't really know nor let others prey over you. Be wise and don't post clearly defined informations--your address, name, etc. And when it comes to love or dating and you're desparate, pls. leave the internet behind...go out there, socialize, instead of drooling over your keyboard and waiting for Ms./Mr. Right to pop out, bare naked in your computer screen.
Ridiculous self=ridiculous Entry. Read and let Read!
...that cold november day in my high school's quad area scared, lost, and almost teary eyed; my mom dropped me off to school and trusted herself to trust me deal with the alien-like establishments on my own. I palpitated by the site of the tallest people I've ever seen in my entire life as blood in my nose started dripping upon witnessing clumps of students standing everywhere... It felt like the movies; no, maybe a busy New York traffic, and I, amidst all the hustle and the bustle, was a lost puppy that could walk but will never get anywhere or so it seemed.
...I got over the joke that the push buttons in every traffic lights in every intersection in America will buzz me in and electricute me to death. The mind-blowing traffic had lost its ridiculous charm of giving me headaches or making me sick, in general. People do not scare me anymore, rather, I scare them, with my awesome uniqueness. I stopped my corny pursuits of "the-boy-next-door", letting them moronic minds have a hard time pursuing me, instead (or so i think haha!). Racism remarks have long gone abondon me as I try not to classify my friends by the color of their skin. Naively, I called my first friend here "a black" and nothing else. And thus, after 4 years of growing and catching up with the American culture, I am like a proud mama. Alas, my inner child is finally growing into a very sophisticated thinker with a better taste in music, food, and hobbies. No more sitting around my room wondering when will my prince charming come and save me from agonizing pain...and thanks to my peers, I now know what a bong is, a hookah, and a marlboro stick.
...there will be neither wailing nor a chick in vain because this month brings me a new beginning and a year filled with lotto sweepstakes and "to each my own" individuality BS. In 17 days, I will be turning legal as stated in the law of the United States which means I have more freedom to skip school and buy me a stick of cigaratte in my parallel universe. Also, I have finally registered for classes in a new school, with hopefully, more cute guys and delusional hoochie girls. I can't wait; I can't contain my excitement anymore and so i provide thee, my nonexistent readers, a list of what I really want (and not necessarily should get) for my birthday (even how hard it is for me to think of anything.):
1. A yellow vintage Mustang with leather sits, complete with pine tree car freshener, a disco ball, and James Franco in the front sit.
2. Bags of gum balls to put in my empty gum dispenser that I got from my mother's boyfriend, christmas of '05.
3. A digital slr camera..nikon, canon, to name a few. So that i could finally stalk every guy who i think is cute from a distance. Or an Holga Camera will do...as if my digi cam is not enough already.
4. Gallons of acrylic paints for my artistic growth.
5. A green ipod and a sim card for my cellphone. Plus! blah blah.
6. To be continued...
Oh F***. I am more materialistic this year than last year. I remember asking for some "sunshine" my last birthday. haha Anyway, its not that I have everything else in the world but I am pretty contended with what I have, for right now. So that's what my hallucinated self want... and it might change again in about a week.
Warning: This personal blog can be fatal to your health; read responsibly. Fasten seatbelt when doing so.
Tis written unlike no other in my attempt for creativity. Here, you'll find *fragmented fictional and real stories that are relevant to my life in some ways. I don't enumerate things that happens to me everyday nor do i purposely rant about lame, stupid "teenage" cliches. My entries are from memory, past experiences, reviews (food, book, movie) and my opinions on current issues--and no, no politics whatsoever. Grammatically incorrect to a degree but nothing that can make you squirm (or so I hope not).
P.S. Put in mind that I'm a scrumptious-looking cupcake and you know you can never, EVER, resist me...so no hating or you'll never get to eat "us" again! lol