Monday, September 29, 2008
One day sometime the past two years, a friend of mine insisted that I listen to the song Vienna by Billy Joel. Ever since then, not only the lyrics stuck to me like ignored gum under my shoe but it also made me dependent to it like maryjane and a crackhead. For the past two years, I have actually stood by the ideals this song: slowing down and taking things to their own accords until well, my 19th birthday this month. It just as if the music died and I finally faced the reality of what's lacking in my life; mainly courage although it becomes obvious now that I do want to meet the grown version of me some place else outside my room, beyond the 6900 streets, and to utmost extent, beyond California.
I am doing what the opposite of what the song is all about as if the cursed has been broken. It is not to say my life has always been defined by it, however. I went all out to being some type of crazy and that to me is out of my nature. And so that Wednesday night, I have gotten all my courage in check and decided that for my 19th birthday, I'll take everything to the next stage. I reasoned... its what I'll do for myself...for turning 19, that is. At first, it sounded as if I was trying to be a full pledge adult and that I have been in the planet for longer than anyone have been. I channeled all that was needed to be so, all the guts... all the words that were right in my head at that time, but didn't really come out as planned, as I marched downstairs to face my mother. One thing about her is that, she will never be the person you want to have deep conversations with about life, not my life, anyway. So, it was really hard for me to sit there in the dining table muttering to myself... heart about to get ripped off my chest and when I started to say anything at all, the words fell short.
Just like the mother that she'd always been, you know... always jumping to conclusions and never really have time to listen to my propositions because she's rather busy or have to go to work, she asked "Are you pregnant?" at first. At that time, it seem as if I was about to tell her something life altering... well my decision is life altering for the most but not to the extent of me having a baby so soon. I went back and fort to my biggest argument "this is not to disrespect you" at some point there but I managed to let her know of my decision with some tears... and shaky voice.
To most parents, children moving out is a very good step to cultivate their problem solving skills. They get to own up to responsibilities and are expected to handle problems with all the knowledge that has been given all through out their lives. To my mom however, it is a poor choice. For one, she said, I am not yet a young adult. Her second reason was just offending and is misguided. She'd gone as far as saying "your not responsible, just take a look at your room". I went ahead to tell her then that my disorganization does not speak to how my outlook in life has drastically change for the past 6 years that I have been here.
And so I brought the song Vienna back, for the second time. Vienna for me never meant the actual place but with some drastic changes and choices in my life, it became this new chapter I'm waiting to conquer on. And without further due of all its about,I am moving out in a new state, a new house/apartment with new people to meet and old ones to be with... by October 18th. Ironically, I have good mixed emotions about it. I am excited to be in a place that I am oblivious of but at the same time scared that it might turn out to be not-so good of a choice after all. Ironic because I never really like change--not moving away anyway to a different location all-together.
I will miss this place I now call my second home but I do believe more wonderful things await for me in the middle. And with the goodness of the lord, I know he'll guide me in the right path.
(photo by me: at Columbus, Kansas)
My mind's unweaving/ 11:51 PM
Friday, September 26, 2008
(A dramatist perspective on something mundane)
Why did you have to leave me like that? Unannounced? Spur of the moment? I guess that had always been your nature.
Yes, we've always had our love-hate relationship but my love for you weighed more than the hate that consciously troubled me on my shallow mentality. Honestly, my heart skipped the moment I first saw you, about 3 years ago. You gleamed like my future and I knew...or I thought I know we would be together if it wasn't forever, for at least, years to come. But why did "us" end so soon? Don't you remember those adventurous days we spent in the streets of Los Angeles? Where most days, we would be face to face and I felt you capture the soul of my being? Don't you remember? I sit here and wish everything is still light-weight. Without you, I am bog down with all that's literally heavy and complicated. And I realize how I missed you now. I missed the main reason which made me the photographer that I am today. We were inseparable and although this new fling I am having with the other is seemingly going well, I've yearned for you--your easygoing attitude: just a snap of 0.01 shutter and bam!
So this time I ask, how do you do and why from one of the most romantic sunsets we've both graced upon, you had to leave, me, of all people, there, as if a part of my heart had melted away like chocolate in my pocket during a toasty summer day? I was uncomfortable... almost awkward to the point of crying in front of David! In front of David? Could you imagine!? Just in case you're wondering, the sunset lingered in front of me, casting its sympathy through my probably melancholic face of anger and disbelief. Hues of purple and orange was reflected through the Pacific water looking like satin nonetheless and I... I sat there with my butt against the sand wishing you could have seen it with me. I was nostalgic, I could have sworn all the good times we've had flashed back against the ever-changing summertime sky as if being shown the wild wild west movies style; the dusk winds gave me goosebumps and soon then after, I was out of plans on how to get you back.
I have to admit, I failed to win you back. Just the fact that you closed your soul from me without any warning, left me dumbfounded, selfish, and hurt. I never pictured losing you at Venice, California, one of the places I feel comfortable in, with its artists, the self-proclaimed gurus, and budding street performers. Since I am most people who always need closure, I want to let you now (until its way too late to do so) how much I've appreciated having you in my life, even from a very short amount of time. Losing you helped me learn how to easily move on about negative trivial life moments and things that appear to slow me down. This is actually my clamor for the question that has been left unanswered for almost 4 months now: why did you had to go psycho tech on me?
If you can't answer right away, which, I supposed you wouldn't my dearest camera, I understand. You should know I clutched on to the tiny grains of sands and hoped you'd come back to life. But hoping without action doesn't really get anyone far from life. I was sad to see the beautiful sunset hid against the California mountains... I thought I wouldn't see dawn again with the events followed before, you were the icing on the cake and oh, how nagging did that make me feel like.
At that moment, having you with your lens shut off unstoppably was not for the best. I could see now what many people told me then, however. And if I didn't lose you, I actually would have not realized I deserve better. I just wished I wrote this 4 months ago when you actually mattered in my life.
Anyway, thank you. Our memories together will be carried on in all the pictures I've taken with your 7.1 mega pixels. I owe you all the pretty things, all the beautiful faces, and somewhat amazing landscapes portraits captured, hidden under piles of photos...I owe you. If I will be a household name someday, I will tell everybody I will come across with that I started my photography career with you. So my ex-camera, hang tight inside that Christmas box. I will have a good use of you someday... maybe in a collage... in a box frame... you never know.
September 18, 2006-June (??), 2008
"You never know what you have until its gone."
Photo: my butchered camera, thanks to my amazing, destructive better yet, hands.
Labels: camera, dramatic, silly
My mind's unweaving/ 12:00 AM
He was standing there.
She was walking, in the phone, talking.
He looked nervous, wide-eyed.
Her heart thumped like never before.
And from some magical force that bounded in the centre of their love,
they were magnetised, hands spread, after, tight hug.
And both hoped for the rest of their life story to unfold.
Someday, in a porch over looking a body of water of some sort,
they will talk again, this time about the rest of their lives...
Of the what have happened and how one love, so strong!
Possibility of the impossible yet the questions are confusing...
Nobody really knows because uncertainty abounds
in this great journey of life and love.
Labels: "love", Poem
My mind's unweaving/ 12:00 AM
Monday, September 15, 2008
Coming back here, with password still intact in the depths of my worries and thoughts, I've realized that my mind has not changed one bit. This "mind" I constantly mark as my sole property has wondered by itself and collected even more dusts, causing somewhat an unexplainable blur to my already indecisive self. I've done a lot of soul searching this summer, yet, I only found two pennies on the ground, I found out that my life goes on with or without my best friend...I had someone steal my heart, but where was / am i? I am in the middle of Pacific Ocean, somewhere in the meridian, trying to paddle as fast as I can before the winter season commence. And you know what else? I BETTER DO IT FAST.
I was hoping I'd be back here sooner than this but I've been preoccupied by other matters in my life--either minuscule and/or extensive. Yes, yes, I have grown; my body hasn't changed (still flat-chested and hips...cannot lie, whether it be because of its nonexistence) but I think my path of thinking altered a little bit. I no longer abhor the underlying context of politics, my photos (for photography) are said to be leaning towards "adventure" these days and my eyes were open further to human relationships. Although I was disappointed to bid goodbye to a "best friend forever" prospect, I am happy to say...I found LOVE in exchange. :)
My point is... I think... I AM BACK. Take this as an invitation for numerous...mondos amounts of coffee breaks on numerous morning, afternoon or evenings. I've been holding back way too long and maybe over some imaginary cheese danishes... you'll come sit right back and offer your company again.
-Hoping for a new Beginning.
My mind's unweaving/ 1:46 AM