To the one I never had,

I would do anything to relive the past. Absolutely, I would go through it from the beginning and feel my heartbeat go a hundred miles an hour. The joy I felt that New Year's Eve and my trembling body out of pain when you've spoken your peace, I had not forgotten all as it still remains in the deepest core of my being. Like a magician, I have tried tricking myself to believe that you were nothing but a presence in my intricate dreams. To my dismay, I can only be able to deceit my concious during my sleep. As sharp as the evidence the photographs provide me, my memory, even though now sits in the bottom of my mind, is of no comparison. I can still depict so vividly the lines in your face, the swirly patterns of your hair, and the soft hands that left invisible marks in my hand. No one can see the mark but I felt seep in through my skin and taken my hand hostage of your touch forever. It is not only your carnal appearance that I remember when I am left alone musing during my day, however. Your smile...the way you say "Stop it!" when I tease you and when you put your arms around me and tell me promising things--all of these still haunt me down. A familiar feeling reoccur midst many of the songs that use to remind me of you. I often turn off the radio not because I do not want to be reminded but because its painful to know it is not possible to relive any of it, again.

When you have finally spoken the verdict to our hopeless situation, I felt betrayed--of you and myself. I have secretly acquired high hopes for the two of us and although, not as sudden as it would have been, I thought things would have been directed to the right instead of the left. My heart throbbed not out of delight anymore but earth shattering annoyance. I've wanted to slap your indifferent disposition and paste a sad smile and paper tear drops to your face. Of course, I could not...I did not. Regardless how my inner bitch was surfacing, I was still weaked to my knees, spine, jellied like always, secretly hoping that someday we will be meant for each other. Unconciously, I've waited for things to turn out the way they should have been. Yet my concious demonstrated a different persona, my super alter-ego and the yearnings of a wet, cold soul wanting to be accepted by you, overnight.

And so here I am, I sit here with the sound of the faucet dripping in the background (like the slurs of the television when disconnected), hopelessly reaching for the past: the good along with the not-so-good. I shake my head along with the mocking laughter I've always heard from you the course of our "relationship" because we all know the past has moved away with you, 60 miles from here, where is that?

Societal, mainstream views tell me its not fair (and stupidity is not charming) I still yearn for the being I met months ago. You've moved on (from what I've heard), you even move out and away yet I want to tell you I still care whether you eat or not, whether if you have heater/airconditioner in your new place...whether if everything is alright.

Although now, the past is the past, I thought you should know my feelings were true for you. Its not me babe, its all on you.



Photo Credit: Nostalgic Photography (moi).

Labels: "love", feelings, FICTION/non, heartbreak

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