Monday, September 29, 2008
One day sometime the past two years, a friend of mine insisted that I listen to the song Vienna by Billy Joel. Ever since then, not only the lyrics stuck to me like ignored gum under my shoe but it also made me dependent to it like maryjane and a crackhead. For the past two years, I have actually stood by the ideals this song: slowing down and taking things to their own accords until well, my 19th birthday this month. It just as if the music died and I finally faced the reality of what's lacking in my life; mainly courage although it becomes obvious now that I do want to meet the grown version of me some place else outside my room, beyond the 6900 streets, and to utmost extent, beyond California.
I am doing what the opposite of what the song is all about as if the cursed has been broken. It is not to say my life has always been defined by it, however. I went all out to being some type of crazy and that to me is out of my nature. And so that Wednesday night, I have gotten all my courage in check and decided that for my 19th birthday, I'll take everything to the next stage. I reasoned... its what I'll do for myself...for turning 19, that is. At first, it sounded as if I was trying to be a full pledge adult and that I have been in the planet for longer than anyone have been. I channeled all that was needed to be so, all the guts... all the words that were right in my head at that time, but didn't really come out as planned, as I marched downstairs to face my mother. One thing about her is that, she will never be the person you want to have deep conversations with about life, not my life, anyway. So, it was really hard for me to sit there in the dining table muttering to myself... heart about to get ripped off my chest and when I started to say anything at all, the words fell short.
Just like the mother that she'd always been, you know... always jumping to conclusions and never really have time to listen to my propositions because she's rather busy or have to go to work, she asked "Are you pregnant?" at first. At that time, it seem as if I was about to tell her something life altering... well my decision is life altering for the most but not to the extent of me having a baby so soon. I went back and fort to my biggest argument "this is not to disrespect you" at some point there but I managed to let her know of my decision with some tears... and shaky voice.
To most parents, children moving out is a very good step to cultivate their problem solving skills. They get to own up to responsibilities and are expected to handle problems with all the knowledge that has been given all through out their lives. To my mom however, it is a poor choice. For one, she said, I am not yet a young adult. Her second reason was just offending and is misguided. She'd gone as far as saying "your not responsible, just take a look at your room". I went ahead to tell her then that my disorganization does not speak to how my outlook in life has drastically change for the past 6 years that I have been here.
And so I brought the song Vienna back, for the second time. Vienna for me never meant the actual place but with some drastic changes and choices in my life, it became this new chapter I'm waiting to conquer on. And without further due of all its about,I am moving out in a new state, a new house/apartment with new people to meet and old ones to be with... by October 18th. Ironically, I have good mixed emotions about it. I am excited to be in a place that I am oblivious of but at the same time scared that it might turn out to be not-so good of a choice after all. Ironic because I never really like change--not moving away anyway to a different location all-together.
I will miss this place I now call my second home but I do believe more wonderful things await for me in the middle. And with the goodness of the lord, I know he'll guide me in the right path.
(photo by me: at Columbus, Kansas)
My mind's unweaving/ 11:51 PM
Warning: This personal blog can be fatal to your health; read responsibly. Fasten seatbelt when doing so.
Tis written unlike no other in my attempt for creativity. Here, you'll find *fragmented fictional and real stories that are relevant to my life in some ways. I don't enumerate things that happens to me everyday nor do i purposely rant about lame, stupid "teenage" cliches. My entries are from memory, past experiences, reviews (food, book, movie) and my opinions on current issues--and no, no politics whatsoever. Grammatically incorrect to a degree but nothing that can make you squirm (or so I hope not).
P.S. Put in mind that I'm a scrumptious-looking cupcake and you know you can never, EVER, resist me...so no hating or you'll never get to eat "us" again! lol
YOU, CHATTERBOX, YOU.
designer : kathleen
image : hiddenmemoryx
lyrics : It Ends Tonight/ AAR