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Friday, May 9, 2008
Enemy, I don't want to be my worst enemy.

I have been forcing some creative juices into my blood--although that, too, was a seeming failure from the start, I still tried some cartwheels, a little touch up on painting 101 and all the things I could possibly imagine just to get my wonderful artsy-fartsy self, back. Well, like everything I tried to fix (in my life, lately), my willingness, and forceful disposition to be back to my creative side, failed to work. Now a days, when I am not falling asleep in Psyche 3 or pretending I am cultured in front of my Italian professor, I am out and about working with whiney kids, pulling out some random blabberings along with my friends, pigging out on food that always makes me sick, or with the one person I am currently having a love-hate relationship.

Oh, go ahead, tell me my life lacks essence and I would agree, as to why I have purposely forced creativity rather than let it happen naturally. I sure do missed my high school days. Days when my art teacher had pushed me to my limits, caused me to talk shit about him and art behind his back...those days...those days...where did they end up to, now? Although, from the start, this year has been some sort of amazing beginning for my legal, "adulthood" years, there wasn't I had ask for more than to trip back to my three-dimensional self. Yet I wanted it so much, I forced it horribly to re-enter back to my life...that I guessed "it" got scared. Maybe Josh was right, I should give it up--not only for love, but also give up trying to be my parallel self. I am sure most of us have an idea what we want to be, have an idea what we are, even though it contradicts other people's views. And well mine is that...I am more than flat, boring, and floating, oh and incapable of creating great things. But lately, it just seems to me that I am just those mentioned.

While I should know who I am by now and what I want to do in life, it seems as if I am getting pulled back 10 years and stuck with my childish ruts. Why? Aren't I too late to start discovering my "passions"? Okay, so it is not about discovering but rather having it back. Honestly, I have been selfish to myself; while I do have time to help my friends, think about my friends and their well-being, and try to do what's best for them, my "self" however, has been left here hanging, wondering, and in the end, gone, past my 6900 street. AND I WANT IT BACK, DAMN ITTTT!! I WANT YOU BACK.

This person who drinks margarita, just hangs out constantly, almost everyday damn it and not worry about anything else besides relationship dramas WAS NEVER ME. I was more than the girl who feels empty inside--I had a good head on my shoulders, I had a plan, I wanted things, I was determined not to be most kids...but now, I AM THE PERSON I DID NOT WANT TO BE, empty, shallow, and lacks culture.

This entry is my outcry for help. I thought maybe if I put down how I feel, my deepest desire in here...that I will understand and constantly be reminded THAT I WANT CHANGE. This is for me, for my own benefit...my 5 senses...or just one. I have to stop confiding in to people and maybe for once, start being real to myself and understand what's really being given up here. I do not want to be 40 someday and still bitter I wasted a good amount of my time going through life eyes wide open and nothing else--no determination, passion..NOTHING!

I want my passions for visual arts, photography, cooking and writing to be with their rightful owner: ME.
I want to grow up in the context where I own up to bigger responsibilities.
I DO NOT WANT to waste my time, my money, and energy on people who are never meant to last 4 months in my life.
I want to be a better daughter; a better worker; a better friend; a better lover; A BETTER STUDENT; a better person, period--nothing more, nothing less.

Oh. If only you really know how I feel. Frustration is not going to get the better of me this time. NOOO. NOOO. NOOO.


My mind's unweaving/ 1:14 PM


Warning: This personal blog can be fatal to your health; read responsibly. Fasten seatbelt when doing so.

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Tis written unlike no other in my attempt for creativity. Here, you'll find *fragmented fictional and real stories that are relevant to my life in some ways. I don't enumerate things that happens to me everyday nor do i purposely rant about lame, stupid "teenage" cliches. My entries are from memory, past experiences, reviews (food, book, movie) and my opinions on current issues--and no, no politics whatsoever. Grammatically incorrect to a degree but nothing that can make you squirm (or so I hope not).

P.S. Put in mind that I'm a scrumptious-looking cupcake and you know you can never, EVER, resist me...so no hating or you'll never get to eat "us" again! lol

an AA

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